what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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