We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
