there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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