the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
