So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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