I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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