Jerry, you need to find god
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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