Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
