There was a lot of him and a little penis
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
