did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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