It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
