The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We are all done wearing pants today
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
