I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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