I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
