i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
