Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
