Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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