he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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