you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize