walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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