today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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