I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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