It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Randomize
