First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
