Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
