just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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