Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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