threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
