We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
