I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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