my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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