I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My penis needs a shock collar
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
