Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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