So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
