I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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