The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
