I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize