so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
