thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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