Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
