I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
