my sisters under your porch take her home
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
