Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
