Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
