I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
