Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
