WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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