my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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