I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
