We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
