I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
