dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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