well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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