so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
