as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
