Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
