I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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