Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Did I show you my penis last night?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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