I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
why do cheetos always look like penises
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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